My Biggest Insecurity… Money

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I read a caption on Instagram coming from an Enneagram type 8 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Enneagram and Coffee is doing a light and shadow series on Instagram where various types talk about their vulnerabilities. The passage below could not be a more accurate representation of myself and my own vulnerabilities. I love how she mentioned that us type 8s often share things that might appear very vulnerable to others, but to us they aren’t our true insecurities. We like to keep those in the shadows. Obviously, if you are a different type than 8, your passage will look different than the one below.

Each enneagram type radiates light. By light, we mean the good stuff, the happy, the many reasons people love them. While the shadows stand for the stuff we go home with and are constantly working through – usually alone, but still noteworthy to who we are. We asked the nine different enneagram types to talk about their shadows and their light. Can you guess who they are?

“People think I’m not easy to shake. Most people think I’m passionate and have my fair share of opinions, but for the most part, I think people who really know me enjoy the energy I bring.

I’m good at managing vulnerable emotions so I can stay strong for myself and for a purpose.

People actually don’t realize that I’m very good at seeming like I have been vulnerable by sharing openly something personal, but I’ve actually shared something that I don’t feel a sense of emotional vulnerability in.
They likely know that I struggle to connect with the weaker or needier parts of myself, but they may not know the level of fear and discomfort I feel in deciding to try to lean into those places where I feel extremely vulnerable to rejection or betrayal.

The Enneagram has taught me how to see people with more empathy. Being able to more easily get to why people do what they do has built compassion to a greater degree in interpersonal relationships. It has taught me the overarching theme of wholeness by become more of our true selves.

It’s almost impossible for me to turn off my Enneagram awareness in normal life, so I’m always thinking on it in personal relationships as well. Personally, I use it for my own work towards integrating parts of myself that I ignore or don’t want to access.”

– Enneagram & Coffee on Instagram

I don’t know why, but this simple Instagram caption pushed me to share one of my true vulnerabilities with you. Money. Not having money is my biggest, ugliest insecurity. I am SO self conscious about how much money I have or do not have (in this season, do not have). Money is constantly on my mind. I look at my bill and budget spreadsheet every single day. I make good money, but I spend even more than I make. We all know how that works #creditcarddebt

I have this financial hole that I’m in. I want to appear like I have it all figured out. Like I’m financially sound. But in reality, I’m drowning in bills and debt. And I am SO embarrassed by it. It’s the one thing I refuse to admit or face in the eyes of other people. Admitting that I live paycheck to paycheck feels like standing naked in front of an auditorium of rich people. It’s sad on so many levels that I live this way…

Unexpected Taxes

My 2018 taxes set me back WAY more than we had planned for this tax season. We had estimated that I would owe the government $6,000 in taxes thanks to my digital marketing business. After doing my taxes, I owed the government TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. $12,000. Twelve freaking thousand dollars. Anyways, I had to do a three month payment plan for the taxes ($3,000/month). My last payment is coming up. I’m scared shitless for what I’m going to owe for the 2019 season because you can only do a tax payment plan every 5 years. After this tax payment, I will be keeping my business spending to an extreme minimum. If you own your own business or make money on the side (doing literally anything), you need to pay attention to what you owe in taxes. I don’t want you to be blindsided like I was (and I even have an accountant on retainer).

Paying for Our Wedding

I waited to the very last day to file my taxes. Here it was mid April and my wedding was in less than 2 months. We were about to write checks for THOUSANDS of dollars to wedding vendors. Figuring out how to finish payment for the wedding was the most stressful thing Andrew and I have walked through together. We literally NEVER fight, but the night before the wedding as we sat in bed wide eyed trying to figure out how we were going to cut a check the next day for $10,000 MORE dollars, Andrew snapped. He hit me where it hurt. I don’t WANT to be bad at money. I’m trying to stop getting myself into bad situations financially (just kidding, I literally tried to buy a house this morning). I’m just such a dreamer when it comes to “making things happen.” I often ditch logic and go to grit.

Alas, we came up with the money and our wedding was absolutely magical. It couldn’t have been more perfect, and it was worth *most” the pennies (by pennies I mean thousands and thousand of dollars). My mom kept telling me that I should be proud of myself for making this a reality, but in my gut, I felt like an idiot for having nothing left in my bank account after the wedding. A month later and the wedding is behind us. Now, I’m focusing on paying off debt and saving where I can.

Paying off Debt

The good news is that our destination wedding is over, done with, and paid for so we can start focusing on knocking out this debt that I’ve managed to accumulate by overspending. I took out a personal loan to pay off credit cards (my engagement ring and a card I had used for a previous balance transfer). Both of the lines of credit were coming up on their zero interest period, so they had to go. I also got sick of trying to keep track of all the debt payments I needed to make. It’s so much easier to look at one amount and make one monthly payment. I have one more large credit card to pay off and then I will be focusing on paying off the personal loan as fast as possible. I also owe my business some money. Yep, I owe my own business money (major face palm). Meanwhile, I still have a nice chunk of student loans to go which currently add up to over $600/month.

So many people have recommended The Financial Diet to me. I finally purchased it today and started listening. It’s seriously the perfect book for a millennial woman who wants to get her financial shit together (aka me). I’m listening to the audiobook which you can find here. Chelsea is the sarcastic voice I need in my life to whip my financial butt into shape. I highly recommend this book if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. She gives tons of tips and advice and it’s ALL actionable. There are also a lot of amazing guest speakers in the book that give their personal take on subjects like budgeting a saving for retirement.

Here’s the thing, we all have our own insecurities. Struggles that no one knows about. It goes to show that the outside isn’t always an accurate representation of the inside. We hide all of our yuck in the darkest places we can find even though bringing it to light is what helps us move on. I know I have a spending problem. I know I have WAY too much debt. Now it’s time to tackle it. You don’t have to live in shame my friends. Acknowledge, let go and go kick ass.

Photography: Morgan Sessions // Shoes: DSW & You Need Them!