This is a question I’ve asked myself my entire life. I remember sitting with an old friend from college one night at a steakhouse. Her and I hadn’t seen each other in ages, so we were treating ourselves to a delicious meal, wine and conversation. Things were a bit rocky in our friendship. Her boyfriend at the time wasn’t a big fan of me, so we rarely saw each other.
I had just gotten engaged to my ex and she expressed feelings of jealousy. Everything that was happening in my life was what she had expected of hers. She wanted to move to the city, get married and start a family. I remember her saying, “All I want to do is be a mother.”
I Can’t Relate
I can’t relate to this. My heart does not long to be a mother. Never once have I thought to myself, “I want to be a mother.” That thought has never crossed my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I have hypothetically said “our kids” in conversations with my husband, but that longing feeling of wanting a child has never been in my heart.
The very first weekend that Andrew took me on a date he met one of my best friends and openly expressed to her that he wants four children. At that point in time, my response was open and supportive of the idea of having a family. He was into it, so I was into it. The longer we dated the more wishy washy I became about the idea.
I Feel Like Something is Wrong with Me
I just visited that very same friend and spent time with her sweet little baby. Somewhere deep down, I kept thinking to myself, “Maybe this will stir up a desire to have kids.” Unfortunately, it did the very opposite for me. It almost feels like something is wrong with me. Like I’m broken. I feel like a bad person and a selfish jerk. In fact, my own father made a comment once about people who don’t have kids being selfish.
We are getting the age now where many of our friends either have kids, are pregnant, or are actively trying to have children. One of the wives who does not fall in this category texted me a couple months ago and joking said, “Are you going to stick this out with me?” The two of us were texting the other day and expressed there is this strange disconnect between young couples with children and young couples without. We live in two different worlds and neither is right or wrong.
It simply felt good to find someone who understands. There are so many things we struggle with personally and our struggle can feel isolating. In fact, the feelings we don’t bring to light can lead to guilt and it’s a vicious cycle. One of the reasons I write this blog is to break that cycle. To make each of you feel a little less alone when it comes to talking about things that make us uncomfortable.
I Don’t Want to Let Down My Husband
All these feelings keep washing over me. My biggest fear is being a disappointment to my adoring husband. I love him so much, and I always want to fulfill his hearts desires (like the one time I brought home a puppy). We finally saw each other after my time with my friend and Andrew could tell there was a cloud over me. He finally pried it out. We were laying in bed and he said. “This is about the kid thing isn’t it?” I cried. Yes, this was about the kid thing.
Andrew is my rock. My entire world. I literally have nightmares about losing this man. The last thing on earth I want to do is disappoint him or not give him something so important in life. Something that only I, as his wife, can give him. I looked at him and said, “I don’t know if I want kids.” And being the man of grace that he is, he held me and told me that was perfectly okay. Relief rushed over me after that conversation, but I still have thing strange feeling of being a horrific human for not wanting to raise another human.
And now, here I sit on a three hour flight listening to two women chat about their lives with their children. Nannies (which they pay $3k/month for), daycare, school, activities, alarm clocks that turn green when their kids are allowed to get out of bed.
Moms, I Think You are Amazing
I know that many of you reading this are mothers. And please know that I think you are amazing. I love your gentle nature & commitment to raising the humans of our future. You have the most important, hardest and rewarding job on this planet. I give you so much respect and I admire the love you have for your children.
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“You are Still Young!”
People keep saying, “Oh, you are still young, give it time.” And maybe, in 5 years, I will want a child, but what if I don’t? That motherly desire is just not part of me. Don’t get me wrong, if we do end up having children, I will love them to pieces. The chances are likely that we will eventually have kids because my husband wants them so badly. In the meantime, I can’t beat myself up for feeling this way. I’m doing my best to hand this over to God. He already has a plan greater than we humans could ever construct.