One minute, I’m making a list of all the things I love about being married and not having children, and the next minute, I’m having a full fledged breakdown (ugly tears included) because a friend sends me a cute video of her toddler playing in the yard.

Never before in history have women had such control over the decision to prevent pregnancy. This is a completely new choice we are facing. And while we navigate the landscape of making that choice, there are also so many other beautiful stories of motherhood. I strive to share the deepest darkest parts of my heart here, but I know that my story is only one perspective. That’s why I wanted to bring in other amazing, strong women with stories to tell and experiences to share.

It’s absolutely beautiful, which is why I think it creates this huge hole in my heart. This massive fear of missing out. I’ve never felt so distant and disconnected with others in a similar life stage.

I can’t relate to this. My heart does not long to be a mother. Never once have I thought to myself, “I want to be a mother.” Never. Period. That thought has never crossed my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I have hypothetically said “our kids” in conversations with my husband, but that longing feeling of wanting a child has never been in my heart.